A Window
personal musingsArchive for Friends
How much is too much?
For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived by the theory that a life not questioned is a life not worth living. I can quote Socrates all day in relation to that doctrine, and I feel its the only policy that I’ve incorporated into my life consistently ever since I began to think of myself as an adult. Times like tonight (er… technically last night, as it’s currently three fifty two AM on the morning of the seventeenth) remind me of those sentiments so swiftly that I feel the urge to vomit.
I had such a good day, only to have it side railed soon after I got home. I don’t know where to go after an argument, if it can be called such. How many times can you really have an exchange consisting of “I love you, I’m sorry.” followed by “I know you are and I love you too, but you can’t fix it.” before it just becomes a reflex and all other conversation becomes forced? One of the most painful feelings is that one that alerts you that any given relationship can have an expiration date, while simultaneously giving you limited ammo against pushing said date off.
So why is it then that I find myself only questioning the things that seem to be going well? If something less than favorable gets handed to me, I too often get that complacent “eh. It’s just as well…” feeling, as though I deserve the short end of the stick. Yet, if I were to say… win a lottery, I would assume it’s like that stupid “FREE CRUISE!!” gimmick that they pull on everyone by the entrances to the Video Warehouses in town. It’s either an immediate “What’s the catch?” or “This wont last long.” That said, I refuse to accept this recent bit of potentially foreshadowed dread. Nay; I’ll let it ride and I will prove that I deserve to be happy in whatever scenario I inevitable choose.
I feel as though I need to be equally uniform in both my doubt and my glee, or I might not be getting my just desserts. It’s hard not to settle when you feel you’ve reached a consistent place, but there is so much more opportunity yet to arise. I’m adopting an air of optimism for the next week. It’s time to see how much thoughts can change my actions and moods.
It’s time for me to attempt to kick pessimism in the sprouts, as too much can be wasted.
Example: If there is a doughnut in front of me, I’m going to spend less time noting how sad it is that said pastry is left with a hole. It’s time to be willing to look at it instead of through it and say, “Hey, free doughnut!” and see where it goes from there.
Okay. Time for me to look for more one-bedroom apartments now… both in Statesboro and also in places I hope to someday find myself.
P.S. If you, person who (for whatever reason) is reading this because no one really knows I post, would like to be entertained, I suggest the following: Star Wars ReTold By Someone Who Hasn’t Seen It. Sure, it might not be as funny as the one told by the three year old, but “Hans Solo” is enough to make anyone laugh.
I bid you adieu and hope only happy feelings come later.
