A Window
personal musingsArchive for The Past
I’m a blogging fool!
Ok, so how I wish to be a blogging fool. Currently I’m just foolish. If I had kept up with my vow to continually write to myself, I don’t think I’d feel the way I currently do. I don’t feel like I’ve sorted my thoughts since that last post in October, really, and my how it has caught up with me. So much on my shoulders, which, coincidently, are not meant to hold allllll that much.
I think I’ve made a huge change to myself lately, and I’m nothing if not terrified that I shouldn’t have. As any year could go, looking back on this one is decidedly the worst of my life. In December of last year, I had two tangible awesome big brothers… now I have only one awesome brother around. In December of last year, I was ignorantly happy with the state of my relationships with my (close? really?) friends, when I in reality only let myself have the one… then our friendship began peeling apart and he had no choice but to move. So now, to my name, I have my family and their extensive network of awesomely accepting and oftentimes hysterically funny friends, who are great people. I have a few consistent stragglers from “old times,” and I have two room mates who, despite how often we feel we’ve “had enough” of being around each other, would probably literally kick somebody’s ass for me should a need for ass kickery arise.
Aaaand I have the “ones that got away.” I mean not romantic ventures, I just mean realtionships. Friends, foes, “other,” etc. My point in that lengthy, unnecessary paragraph was to demonstrate how, should my mind be left to wander, I don’t necessarily speak much about myself in relation to me. I, until this particuar year started projectile vomiting on my psyche, only defined myself in relation to others. I think back on years and think, “ahhh yes! 2005! I spent most of my time with ***** at *****’s place always playing *****” and never, “ahh, yes! That was the year I began truly caring about myself in preparation for perilous years to come.”
To be honest, if I actually did speak that way, I would be forced into some kind of counciling within a month. Anyway, point being… 2005 was not that year. 2008, however, the worst 12 months I’ve consecutively lived through, was. I realize how much I finally know about myself, and (though this sounds like a bad highschool monologue) how much others do not know about me. I’m very ready for two things to happen, though they seem to contradict one another; first and foremost, I’d like to continue separating who I am mentally and spiritually from who I am in relation to others. Secondly, I wish to acomplish goal number one to the point at which I am finally fully comfortable seeking what I want, be it new relationships, a relationship, or education that has nothing to do with Georgia Southern University.
I think I’m nearing the place where I achieve these two goals quite rapidly; I’m more outspoken about how I feel, whether it be that I honestly do not feel like being particularly social at times, or that I feel like I’m worth more than how I’ve been treated. To be fair, that last particular feeling left me screaming at someone (possibly my favorite person in the world, really) publicly on a cell phone in front of a building in the Garden District that I don’t even live in on Tuesday night. I regret some of the things I said in anger, but I do not regret that they are things I wish to have said since… January sometime. As a clear demonstration of the “New Lexi 2.0,” I eventually walked back into that building that I don’t live in and proceeded to watch a digital zombie massacre, which swiftly served to help clear my head and force me to be rational.
I suppose my point to this “post” is that, sometimes, it takes some of the most painful or regrettable experiences to make you realize what you subconsciously truly, deeply care for and where you want to go with your life.
No one really knows how much I enjoy writing. I have a novel partially mapped in my head, and if I had complete freedom I would probably be a English/Creative Writing major for similar idealistic reasons. Yet, I will go to school at GSU for my undergrad, graduating much earlier than I’m scheduled to with a degree in Political Science/Justice Studies, leave for the Northeast U.S., go to law school and become some assistant in an Environmental Law office, organizing, editing, and scheduling my little heart out. I will revel in that structure and routine because by then, it will be what I know. Though there is comfort in the familiar, the “what-ifs” will abound.
The funny thing about all of this is that my mental novel has no ending. I have specific bits of dialogue mapped out, but hell if I know how I want it to end.
Through a hellish year, I have made only continual progress, regardless of how painful it was. I’m continually making improvements on my self image, be it physically, mentally and emotionally, and hopefully I get to the point where I can be a bit of a ray of sunshine for at least one person, and leave the places I frequent a little better than when I showed up. I have that nervous excitement, laying here in an Iwo Jima themed Best Western hotel in Arlington, Virginia. It’s the one where I can feel my heart beat through my lungs, indicating either sheer elation or dread. Which do you think it will be? …yeah… I hope so too.
“Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost.”
Additionally… BRING IT ON, CHRISTMAS!! This one looks promising. I hope all of you (non existant) readers have an absolutely fantastic holiday.
